Essay~No Pigmy Goats~AF~15

In high school and college, I didn’t really create my life plan like I should have. A lot of the girls in college felt like they should be married with 2.5 kids by age 25. I never felt like that, but I did feel like I would at least have a fabulous job that I loved, a cute little “tiny house” in the country to exist in for the single part of my life, and two pigmy goats to keep me company. Their names were going to be Snippers and Clippers, because their main purpose in my life would be to mow my grass for me. There I would live, in complete happiness until some gorgeous stranger came, knocked on my door, and asked for a glass of iced tea. (Why a gorgeous stranger would be in the middle of nowhere stopping at random houses for a glass of tea was not important.) We would sit my front porch looking at the gorgeous view, telling each other our life stories. Then we would fall in love and live happily ever after with Snippers and Clippers to look after until we decided to adopt children. Not your average ideal life, but I’m not your average person.

 That’s not what happened. I applied to like 30 jobs after college and the only place that would hire me was a call center in the middle of the hood. I was desperate, so I took the job. I am sorry to say that I still work there. I didn’t think I had any mental disorders before I started working there. Now I have many. I have had several anxiety attacks. I get weekly if not daily suicidal thoughts. I also now understand the mind of an arsonist. I have never wanted to burn a building to the ground before. Now I daydream about it, you know while I am sitting in the car a few minutes before work agonizing about going in. I knit at work. It is my own sad attempt to keep myself sane. People keep asking me to make stuff for them, but I never promise them anything because then I would feel obligated to get it to them in a timely manner. And that’s just too much pressure for me. I keep telling myself, I’ll be free of this place soon. When I get suicidal, I think about how great it will be to quit when I find another job. Because on quitting day, I plan to show up in a party hat, with balloons, my own going away cake, and knitted hats for everyone!

 I do not live in a tiny house nor do I own pigmy goats. I live in a one-bedroom apartment. There is nothing wrong with my apartment really. I’d rather my guests not have to go through my bedroom to get to the bathroom. I don’t really like all those parking spaces that I can’t park in because they are reserved for people who pay for them. And there’s just not much room for my pigmy goats to run and play. There’s not really a need for them either because there’s no grass for them to mow at an apartment. So, I don’t have pigmy goats. I’ll probably never have pigmy goats. But if I ever do, I have names picked out.

 You know what I do have that I didn’t expect that this age? A boyfriend. Not one of the ones you’ll probably get rid of soon either. He is one of those you want to marry and adopt children with one day. I know! Weird! He did kind of come out of nowhere, but he did not stop at my apartment and ask for a glass of iced tea. I’m pretty glad he didn’t. The more I think about that scenario, the more I think a grown man I don’t know knocking on my door for anything might be a bit creepy…. Notice I am not a romance writer.

 I guess what I’m trying to say is, life is not ideal for anyone. Not even the people who did accomplish the whole married with 2.5 kids by age 25. Because those people probably didn’t realize their spouse leaves his dirty socks in the floor and that babies don’t have snooze buttons. But it’s okay! You see you have a plan and God has a plan. Chances are they don’t match up. Chances are your plan wasn’t that great anyways. I love my life! Every area of it is going pretty darn good, except my job, but prayerfully I will be rid of that soon. I have a nice little apartment, a car with A.C. and everything, great friends, awesome mom, and a fabulous boyfriend! The ideal life looks different now. Now when I plan for the future there is a man in it! And no pigmy goats! Crazy right? It is ever changing. Don’t be afraid to change with it.

Also, if your job or anything else gives you suicidal thoughts.  See my poem Silencing Suicide https://somorahssanity.blogspot.com/2017/09/poemsilencing-suicideaf12.html for encouragement.  You got this!  Joy comes in the morning!