Essay~No Pigmy Goats~AF~15

In high school and college, I didn’t really create my life plan like I should have. A lot of the girls in college felt like they should be married with 2.5 kids by age 25. I never felt like that, but I did feel like I would at least have a fabulous job that I loved, a cute little “tiny house” in the country to exist in for the single part of my life, and two pigmy goats to keep me company. Their names were going to be Snippers and Clippers, because their main purpose in my life would be to mow my grass for me. There I would live, in complete happiness until some gorgeous stranger came, knocked on my door, and asked for a glass of iced tea. (Why a gorgeous stranger would be in the middle of nowhere stopping at random houses for a glass of tea was not important.) We would sit my front porch looking at the gorgeous view, telling each other our life stories. Then we would fall in love and live happily ever after with Snippers and Clippers to look after until we decided to adopt children. Not your average ideal life, but I’m not your average person.

 That’s not what happened. I applied to like 30 jobs after college and the only place that would hire me was a call center in the middle of the hood. I was desperate, so I took the job. I am sorry to say that I still work there. I didn’t think I had any mental disorders before I started working there. Now I have many. I have had several anxiety attacks. I get weekly if not daily suicidal thoughts. I also now understand the mind of an arsonist. I have never wanted to burn a building to the ground before. Now I daydream about it, you know while I am sitting in the car a few minutes before work agonizing about going in. I knit at work. It is my own sad attempt to keep myself sane. People keep asking me to make stuff for them, but I never promise them anything because then I would feel obligated to get it to them in a timely manner. And that’s just too much pressure for me. I keep telling myself, I’ll be free of this place soon. When I get suicidal, I think about how great it will be to quit when I find another job. Because on quitting day, I plan to show up in a party hat, with balloons, my own going away cake, and knitted hats for everyone!

 I do not live in a tiny house nor do I own pigmy goats. I live in a one-bedroom apartment. There is nothing wrong with my apartment really. I’d rather my guests not have to go through my bedroom to get to the bathroom. I don’t really like all those parking spaces that I can’t park in because they are reserved for people who pay for them. And there’s just not much room for my pigmy goats to run and play. There’s not really a need for them either because there’s no grass for them to mow at an apartment. So, I don’t have pigmy goats. I’ll probably never have pigmy goats. But if I ever do, I have names picked out.

 You know what I do have that I didn’t expect that this age? A boyfriend. Not one of the ones you’ll probably get rid of soon either. He is one of those you want to marry and adopt children with one day. I know! Weird! He did kind of come out of nowhere, but he did not stop at my apartment and ask for a glass of iced tea. I’m pretty glad he didn’t. The more I think about that scenario, the more I think a grown man I don’t know knocking on my door for anything might be a bit creepy…. Notice I am not a romance writer.

 I guess what I’m trying to say is, life is not ideal for anyone. Not even the people who did accomplish the whole married with 2.5 kids by age 25. Because those people probably didn’t realize their spouse leaves his dirty socks in the floor and that babies don’t have snooze buttons. But it’s okay! You see you have a plan and God has a plan. Chances are they don’t match up. Chances are your plan wasn’t that great anyways. I love my life! Every area of it is going pretty darn good, except my job, but prayerfully I will be rid of that soon. I have a nice little apartment, a car with A.C. and everything, great friends, awesome mom, and a fabulous boyfriend! The ideal life looks different now. Now when I plan for the future there is a man in it! And no pigmy goats! Crazy right? It is ever changing. Don’t be afraid to change with it.

Also, if your job or anything else gives you suicidal thoughts.  See my poem Silencing Suicide https://somorahssanity.blogspot.com/2017/09/poemsilencing-suicideaf12.html for encouragement.  You got this!  Joy comes in the morning!

Essay - Personality - NL - 9

Personality

By; Naomi Lea

Every year I like to take the Myers-Briggs personality test, just to see if anything has changed. I’m usually an ENFP; Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving. I usually either switch between the P and the J for the last letter, but the other three usually stay the same. I have changed a great deal since high school. I know I would have scored a more Introverted personality type back then, but now I know I am certainly Extroverted. I get my energy from being around people. When I am sad or depressed, I usually want a hug or someone to talk to. When I stay alone, I become somber and dissident. When I’m finally around people after long lengths of time alone in my room, it’s like instant relief! I feel my energy levels rise and energy juice is being pumped into my system.

I like to take these personality tests because they help me to reflect and truly gauge how I would react in certain situations. The test gives different scenarios dichotomizing various traits such as prioritizing open schedules or to-do lists, carefully planning or improvising, preferring social events or staying in, etc. The test even gave advice on how to proceed in life based on this personality type with relationships, friends, careers, and other areas, but I must say now that these tests should always be taken with caution. Many of these test takers tend to take these personality types as unbreakable molds which people fit into. Unfortunately, that is not how things work depending on your world view.

Just as mentioned before, my personality changed after high school. There was a pivotal incident which changed my life forever, and that was the decision to fully commit myself to Jesus Christ. Though there were times after that incident when I fell away and did not live according to how a Christian should live, I was forever changed from that time on. I became a new person. Instead of someone living in sin unawares, I had the discernment to identify what was right and wrong. Though I often chose the wrong thing, I was not ignorant of the morality or lack thereof of my choices.  

This change that I experienced in high school allowed my true personality to surface and thus be captured in the results of my test. I remember Out of all that were listed, Curious, Observant, and Energetic/Enthusiastic resounded the most. These are the traits that stuck with me since childhood, even though they have been expressed differently in the various stages of my life. I love learning new things. I remember when Netflix was still a DVD delivery service and we would have new movies in the mailbox every week. Not only would I watch the feature film multiple times, but I would also watch all the special features, look up all the cast members on imdb.com, and sometimes develop obsessions with my favorite films and actors. That curiosity grew into a handy tool when doing research. As an English major in college, I enjoyed the research projects more than creative writing. I liked making connections among things that already existed more than making up points and their connections.

Maybe I like to watch people and events pan out more than come up with such things from my mind. It’s not that I like to people watch, but I like to find details and the meaning behind them. I tend to notice an article of jewelry or sock color before I even look at someone’s face. Perhaps that’s just my personal quirk, but I think that the smallest things sometimes hold the deepest importance. My constant quest for meaning sometimes makes me seems a little odd. I like to fabricate my own metaphors and they do not always hit the mark when I try to explain them to others. I would excitedly try to convey my new connection I discovered in my research or in my own philosophical musings and they often responded with quizzical or blank countenances. However, the excitement never died out and even today, I still get very excited about anything that piques my interest. Now that I am a teacher, I have an open outlet to release my enthusiasm for learning, making connections from text to real life, and using the skills of observation.

These are my favorite personality traits that I embody, but I never would have noticed I possessed them if I had not taken the time for personal reflection. As a Christian, I know that these traits did not naturally spring up and develop in me, but were given to me as gifts by my Holy Father who made me. That might sound a mushy and illogical, but I believe it is the truth. Nowadays the truth, just like our personalities, seem to be blurred or be split into variations. It is not definitively “good” to do something because as soon as someone says that something is “good”, the argument is no longer on the something but the definition of “good” itself! I used to think it was more intelligent to keep questioning the question instead of searching for the answer, but now that the Lord has allowed certain parts of my personality to grow, I cannot keep stalling the truth. Personality and its traits are gifts from our Creator who knows every minute thing there is to know about each of us. I can choose to believe that, or I can keep believing that personality is this weird inner goop that will remain so unless we adopt an analytical lens; a worldview which defines the questions so we can focus on pursuing the truth.

This Myers-Briggs is often mistaken as a personality sorter, putting people into unchangeable groups without deviation. In my opinion, it is nothing more than a tool we can use to better examine ourselves and the gifts God gave us. I know He has a plan for my curiosity, observance, and enthusiasm. It is through personality and the myriads of different ones that barely being to shadow what God is like; a being so vast that he could create all the individual people and their personalities. My hope and prayer for us all is to know that God made us all with a purpose and a personality to fulfil that purpose. I am still learning it myself, but I know I am not alone in that pursuit. Regardless of the test scores, everyone makes up a part of God’s image and His personality.  

Essay - "Guilt" - NL - 7

Guilt

     To many, guilt is something that should be avoided. It feels unpleasant to say the least and can sometimes be excruciatingly painful. Psychologists have many explanations for guilt. Freud thought it involved the psychosexual development of young children who were suppressing their desires to have sex with their opposite gendered parent. Thankfully, most of the world does not hold Freud as the authority on guilt or other emotions we try to analyze. Many other psychologists tend to define it as an internal state that culminates various negative emotions such as anxiety, stress, fear, doubt, etc. Unfortunately, some people have difficulty exiting this state of mind; they tend to remain guilty for longer than necessary.

     Some may say that they have no control over how they feel, that they “can’t help” but feel guilty. However real that may seem, it is not true. Human beings have a choice to be what they want to be, whether they realize it or not. How a person understands guilt is determined by his or her worldview. Guilt is real, but we have a choice as to how to view it. It can either be a monstrously personified emotion rampaging our subconscious, or an indicator of our mistakes. It can be torment, or healthy correction. It is the individual’s choice to determine the purpose and definition of guilt.

Guilt is often defined in comparison to shame. Shame is usually considered the negative emotions that occur from not meeting the standards of other people; is an externally evoked emotion. If a girl chose to tuck her pants into her socks and another girl ridiculed her for her choice of wardrobe, her embarrassment would be considered shame. Though she did know that what she was doing would be “shameful” to someone else, but she would experience that negative emotion only when she did not meet her peer’s standards of style. On the other hand, guilt is an internal feeling caused by the negative emotions of not meeting a higher standard that one believes to be true. For example, Christians live by a moral code which was not created by themselves but God. If a Christian were to break a commandment commit a sin, bad feelings would usually ensue.

     Guilt is an ugly feeling. It makes one feel dirty, wrong, and simply “lesser”. People usually do not like said feeling, especially the latter. Hence our history of human rights movements and protests, purposed with bringing justice to the disenfranchised and marginalized. There were nations of people who were bound by shame and were punished because they did not meet the standards of appearance or culture of another country. This is shame and the causation was founded on an ungodly sense of warped principles. However, the “lesser” feeling of shame is not the same “lesser feeling of guilt, though it may seem similar.

     Shame is usually used by others to coerce and manipulate, but guilt is something that comes from within. Some may say it is from our conscious which helps to determine right from wrong, but I believe it is more than a mistake detection device. Speaking from my worldview as a Christian, I believe it has a God ordained purpose. It was originally used in the bible to convey “indebtedness”, which was different from sin itself. “Sin” and “guilt” were defined differently in the Old Testament and even had different restitution methods. There were sin offerings and guilt offerings, separated by the effects of each. Sin refers to the mistake or wrongdoing of a person, but guilt stems from the relational harm between the people who commit and feel the effects of the sin.

Say two men who are friends get into an argument. One punches the other and breaks his nose. The one who threw the punch may be sorry afterward and even pay for the hospital bill, but that is not the end of the indebtedness. Their relationship is not the same as before and has been marred from the actions of the other. It will take time and a lot of work the part of the attacker to make up and restore the relationship. The same is when a Jew would sin against God; that guilt would remain until they made the appropriate guilt offerings and sacrifices to restore their relationship with God. However, when Jesus came and paid the ultimate sacrifice, his death absolved our guilt as well. Though we as Christians still feel the negative emotions that accompany guilt, it is not a mental state in which we live our whole lives. Christ came so that we could have direct relationship with God and never be “indebted” again.

     I believe that the guilt we feel today is designed like smoke detectors are in modern houses. When we leave the food burning on the stove or accidentally cook the popcorn for twenty minutes instead of two, houses come with alarms that let us know when we are doing something wrong. An extremely annoying noise is usually emitted informing the house inhabitants that fast action is required. Sometimes water sprinklers spout from the ceiling soaking everything and making life very difficult, miserable, wet, and cold. Guilt is the same way. When people live in a lifestyle of sin that is hindering their relationship with God, they may feel some negative emotions that are indicators of required change. However, many simply wallow in their mistakes and believe they have no choice but to live in a house that always beeps and rains on them indoors.

     When the alarms and sprinklers go off, we must do what we can to put out the fires or see if there is a malfunction with our detectors. Either way, it causes us to examine our foundations; it makes us go back to God, which should be the first response whenever anything goes awry. That is exactly what guilt should prompt: crying out to God and developing our relationship with Him. Guilt is kind of like God’s toddler gate for his children. When we are trying to go up the stairs, in the kitchen, or other “off limits” areas, he puts up the safety gate. It may feel uncomfortable not to be able to keep going in the direction we want, but it is for our own good so we do not accidentally fall down the stairs on our weak undeveloped legs or stick our hands in a drawer looking for treats and get stabbed by cutlery.

     In the end, we as humans have a choice to believe what we want about guilt. We can believe that it is designed by God for our good, or another theory. Our free will can reach many extremes, as exemplified by Freud’s psychoanalytic theories, but the fact is that God’s world does exist. We can choose to adopt an existentialist mindset and believe we are all alone and that we create our own meaning, or that there are already meanings created for us to learn and understand by and God that loves us. We have the choice to believe what we want, and I choose to believe that guilt is not a crippling monster that I cannot overcome. At first, it may seem like you must consciously keep “making” the choice to believe, but once you continue making the choice, it becomes truth and there is no other way to believe. There is hope and guilt is not as bad as it seems, if you choose to believe so.

Bibliography

Gilkerson, Luke. "Guilt vs Shame: Why Definitions Matter." Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes, 15 July 2015. Web. 12 June 2017.

Motyer, Stephen. "Guilt Definition and Meaning - Bible Dictionary." Bible Study Tools. Ed. Walter A. Elwell. Baker House Book Company, 1996. Web. 12 June 2017.

Whitbourne, Susan Krauss. "The Definitive Guide to Guilt." Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, 11 Aug. 2012. Web. 12 June 2017.

Yancey, Philip. "Guilt Good and Bad." ChristianityToday.com. Christianity Today, 18 Nov. 2002. Web. 12 June 2017

Essay ~ Easter ~ NL ~ 4

Easter

By: Naomi Lea

     Easter is the holiday of brightly colored dresses and ovular shaped chocolates. It's the holiday of that annoying, stringy, fake grass that people keep putting it in plastic wrapped gift baskets. The world is painted in pastels and the weather slowly begins to permit short sleeves.

    
     Humanity as a whole should be so happy as earth's seasonal changes bring about new life; as spring bursts forth from its restful, silent, wintry state. Though there are natural fireworks of celebration occurring in nature, how is it possible that a person can be sad or depressed? Especially when there is nothing really wrong with her life?

     This person is also a Christian and should have a deeper connection to Easter and its significance in her life. A Christian believes that Christ died and was resurrected three days later to save creation from sin. That is more than enough to be happy about, yet this girl found no special thrill as the holiday approached.

     Every Sunday since the beginning of Lent, she kept making resolutions to start anew in certain aspects of her life; a new gym membership, a diet, a prayer regimen, new organizational apps, and the restarting of hobbies. Though she tried again and again to change and renew her life and find passionate ambitions again, nothing stuck. After a few days she would lose the drive; become lazy, restless, and self-pitying.

     Then she remembered the movie Thumbelina, the cartoon version by Fox and Warner Bros. It showed the "changing of the leaves" as a festival for the fairies. They would fly throughout the world and change the summer saplings into red, orange, and brown bowers. The change could not happen without the fairies' magic and without their doing, there wouldn't be the four seasons.

     Just as the world couldn't change on its own, neither could she change her own life without the power of the one who created the world. She tried to do all these things within her own strength. That is why they all failed. That is also why the failure stunned her into regression; it was a stymie in which she felt completely alone. As she continued to try again with yet another surely fool-proof plan, the cycle continued, resulting in the fall and stagnation of what she deemed as progress.

     This was continuing on until this girl had a heart to heart with her mother. Mothers play such variant roles at all our stages in life and this time, her mother came in as the ultimate preacher and motivational life coach. After tears of frustration and confusion were shed, it became clear to the girl that the problem lay within her will to do things on her own. She realized that, as cliche as it may sound: God is in control and He is the one that makes changes, not any earthly power.

     With that reawakening, she thought again towards Easter and what it meant. That resurrection of life, that ability to commune with God could not have happened with just humans willing it to be so. Even if people did their best to follow all of God's ordinances, waking up each day with good intentions not to sin, such strategies would not prevail. It's clearly recorded how well that plan worked in the Old Testament. The only way forward is to submit to the power of God, just as nature laid open and vulnerably submitted to the fairy magic which wrought the most beautiful changes.

     So as Easter drew near yet again, the girl thought to herself that maybe it was time to stop trying to make herself new. Instead, she figured she would let the fairy magic take root and transform her into whatever God had planned for her. She would be like the trees and flowers who have no choice but to obey their maker. She would wake up not trying to find out what gives her drive and motivation, but instead seek it through prayer and scripture. As she pondered such thoughts, she grew excited and eager for the coming Easter. It would be truly be a time of celebration, for now she knew that it would not be about her becoming new, but about new life being manifested within her. It would not be about cleaning up her own life and implementing changes, but laying down all personal agendas and allowing herself to be touched and washed. It was about putting down, not putting on. Just as Christ put down himself so that we may have life, so it is for the Believer to put down her own self.

     The girl now looked to the coming Easter with a quiet happiness. Her life felt rekindled. She knew with a blessed assurance that the fairy magic would keep changing the seasons and that God would bring changes in her, too.

Essay ~ Shoes ~ NL ~ 3

Shoes

By: Naomi Lea

     Does one's choice of footwear reflect a person's personality or life experiences? I believe it does. Usually, when someone buys a pair of shoes, there is a reason behind the act, however frivolous or purposeful it may be. Hiking trips call for sturdy boots with ankle support. Fancy balls and galas require heels that sparkle and go with the gown. Everyday commuting shoes need to be clean, casual, and comfortable, depending one one's occupation. I usually sport a pair of grey Vans that go with just about any colored clothing, and I sometimes interchange them with brown hiking boots or brown heeled boots.

     What I wear speaks to what I do on a daily basis. By their neutral and plain design, my Vans say that I obviously do not like a lot of attention drawn to my feet. The brown casual boots are waterproof and good for woodsy treks and walks around town. They say that I like to be active and need footwear that protect my feet in the activities I like to do. My heeled boots show that I occasionally need to dress up and make the impression that I actually care about what I'm wearing. Luckily, these dressier boots are also waterproof and comfortable even though I'm elevated a few inches higher than usual.

     Just as my shoes speak for their owner, other shoes do the same. I ride the subway everyday and whether I sit or stand, my sights are cast down towards the floor so I don't accidentally stare into the midst and lock eyes with a random person. However, with this indoor landscape view, I have lines and lines of shoes around me filling my peripheral vision. Each pair goes along with its wearer and tells a little bit of their story.

     
     I see the business shoes that hug leather briefcases set on the floor. There are combat boots from soldiers with their camouflage pant cuffs tucked into the olive green socks. Folks wear running shoes that look like they have accumulated some mileage and walking shoes that look fresh out of the box. Name brands like Nike, Puma, Adidas, New Balance, and Sketchers walk before me, showing that their owners either truly care about the quality of their shoes, or they know what brands the actors and idols of South Korea wear. Many choose shoes that specifically go with their outfits, while some folks evidently wear that one pair every single day and will probably buy another similar or identical pair to continue doing the same. Some shoes are dirtier than others, indicating that the wearer either does not take care of the shoes or lives in a rural or muddy area. Sometimes I feel confident enough in my ability to tell a person by their shoes that I don't bother to look up and see who they really are. Especially when I see shoes that blare the brands make young people flock to them because their favorite K-pop star or actor wears them. Many people in Korea pick their shoes so they can be like everyone else; desperately trying to keep the standards without sticking out of the mold. I can't say that I don't do the same.

     Then, my eye catches a familiar design. I see some shoes that remind me of what my grandma used to wear. The elderly woman, probably a grandmother herself, sits on the subway seat facing me and wears black shoes that are a mix between sneakers and generic orthopedics. They have laces, but also a Velcro strap at the top. She probably doesn't want to have to bend down to bother with the laces, hence the fastening ease. Looking up, I can see her head on her chest, softly snoring. A few buzzes from her lap cause her to slowly wake and I see using her smart phone encased in a bedazzled black and silver folding wallet with a shiny strap. She brings it very close to her face, and her eyes squint as she taps slowly on the screen, each touchscreen button accompanied with a loud "clack," sound effect. She then pulls out a small plastic bag of rice cakes from her purse and begins to snack on them.

     Many elderly women over age fifty wear such shoes and exhibit similar behaviors. When those types of shoes come onto the scene, I know right away who wears them and probably how old they are. However, today, I think about this woman and her phase of life as associated with her shoes. One day, I will be her age (Lord willing) and will want extra support for my feet. Will I be trading in my laces for Velcro straps because my back will be too pained to keep bending down? Will I be pulling out traditional rice cakes from my bag and snacking on them as I ride the subway? Will there even be subway trains when I'm that old, or will we have teleportation by then? Well, that question can wait for another time.

     In my pondering, the old grandmother alights from her seat and gets off at the last stop. There now sits a middle aged man with black loafers, ankles stacked and arms crossed. I don't bother to look at his face. In a few stops, I will also have to get up and carry on with my own commute. I have to keep on in my own shoes for today and worry about the shoes of tomorrow for when it's actually time to wear them.

Essay ~ Being Wrong ~ NL ~ 2

Being Wrong

By: Naomi Lea

     Personality quizzes always ask how you take criticism. "Do you take criticism well, or do you tend to take correction personally as if your worth as a human is based on your performance?" I believe those questions should be reworded. "How well can you mask the embarrassment of being wrong in front of others? Do you allow your emotions to affect your further performance, or can you compartmentalize them to be processed later?" Nobody likes to be wrong. Regardless of how you answer those questions on the personality quizzes, I think that no one in the world is perfect enough to be sincerely good at taking criticism. One might be pretty good at deadening the senses of shame to keep going, but the memory of making a mistake does not leave the mind so easily.

     But, perhaps I'm speaking too much for others. Maybe there really are some folks who like being criticized or take correction with an open heart and mind. Maybe there are some Christians who, when in a frustrating situation, instinctively drop to their knees in prayer and say, "O gracious heavenly Father, please reveal to me your good and perfect will which requires me to undergo this period of trial and tribulation. I count it all joy!" Is that what people expect Christians to do? If it is, I fall far from that expectation. In fact, I feel quite saintly if I just don't break something in a rage or binge eat my emotions.

     So why is being wrong so life-shattering for me? Why does it make me so frustrated? I am human, therefor I am imperfect and bound to make mistakes. However, this knowledge does not help in the slightest when experiencing these feelings of shame and embarrassment. When I'm in the moment feeling extremely abashed or mortified, it feels like absolutely nothing can quell my internal churning and writhing. I feel incapable of help and don't want any either. I want to stay mad and try to get out of my mess on my own. I got myself here, so I can pull myself out, too. I can research and read and figure things out on my own. I'm quite capable by myself. Who needs God when he outfitted me with a working brain and body to solve my own problems. I'll get back to God and check in with Him once I get past this obstacle on my own.

     And I wonder why being wrong bothers me so much? I get so confident in my abilities, I forget about Him who gave the abilities to me. I forget that I am only creation and still learning how to use my gifted functions. I forget what I did as a child; whenever I made a mistake or was confused about something, I always asked my parents. They almost always made me feel better or helped me with whatever was bothering me. I forget that I can still do that. I have a heavenly Father who is always available and ready to take any questions and comfort any hurts. I forget that He is with me always and that the first thing I should do in times of trouble is to drop down to my knees and pray.

     Being wrong is so frustrating because the only way to recover from the pain is to shift my attention from myself and what I did to God and what He can do for me through this experience. It is difficult to do. I am not good at it by any means, but that is what I am called to do as a Christian. I am called to confess where I am wrong and go through that grieving process of denying the part of me that wants to stay self-centered. I am also called to help and encourage others who also struggle with being wrong and taking criticism (everyone). As Christians, we are called to love. Though it is not easy in the slightest, it is so necessary. I encourage us all (myself included) to confess our wrongs and our negative feelings regarding our mistakes. I challenge us all to take the Lord's criticism and let it change and transform us. Being wrong is hard, but it is inevitable. We must recover from the blows of being incorrect, take God's hand, and keep living in Him.