At this desk,
In front of this computer,
I watch these stupid blue walls.
They laugh at me.
Sometimes I can see my last moments...
While I listen to this angry middle eastern man yell.
I hear the cackle of the walls.
Excited because they have finally driven me mad.
The stupid blue walls become water and they drown me.
Sometimes I picture myself at age sixty-four...
Two days away from blessed retirement,
When I choke on a disclosure.
People try to save me,
But the Heimlich is no match for meaningless words.
These are the thoughts that make me want to die.
But like, in the middle of a party.
So the last thing I hear will be laughter.
The last thing I see an awkward chicken dance.
My last feelings, joy and happiness.
I can’t do that though; I’d miss the rest of the party.
Maybe I should die in the arms of the love of my life.
That way, I can die with the taste of his lips still on my tongue.
I can die feeling safe and warm in his arms.
I can listen to his heartbeat sing me to sleep.
But I know I couldn’t do it; I would just want to grow old there.
I realize that I don’t want to die.
I want to fall in love and love long after we are both grey with deep smile lines.
I want to throw a party and laugh and dance like a crazy person.
I want to make this world better, do something worth something.
But all I do is recite meaningless scripts until my day is done.
I tell God, “Give me purpose or give me death!”
I cry, “If this is all life is I don’t want it!”
I say, “Take this life and give it to someone who will appreciate it!”
I scream, “Give it to someone who actually thinks this meaningless existence is a gift!”
But only part of me wants to die, the other part just yells at me.
She tell me, “Shut up! Be grateful you’re not starving or homeless!”
She cries, “Kill yourself then! Watch your mother find you dead in here from beyond the grave!”
She says, “Watch her cry! After she did war with poverty and grown men just to keep you alive!”
She screams, “Suck it up! Do you realize you are blubbering because there is no one to play with!”
I try to suck it up and calm down.
I listen to the house creek, and the refrigerator hum.
I listen to how beautiful the silence is when I am not hyperventilating.
That’s when I hear God's calm whisper, “You just wait.”
This was not my own mind’s attempt to save myself.
I know this because I have never been that calm.
I don’t even know what I am waiting for,
But I just do what He says.
Because I will not watch my mother find me lifeless from beyond the grave.
Because if I die, I will miss something worth living for.
So, I fight for my life and win again.
I yell at Depression, “You cannot have me! As hard as I cry, I will always laugh harder!”
I scream at Suicide, “Give up! I will always find a better reason to stay alive than to die!”
I whisper to Anxiety, “Darling. I will be fine without your constant warnings of nonexistent danger.”
I let her know, “Whatever comes or doesn’t come I can handle it without her. I’m strong enough.”
And this is not personification.
Depression, Suicide, and Anxiety are real demons.
They really scream at me from inside my mind.
They make me feel horrible things.
They make me think like a crazy person.
Mom, don't worry. I promise I will always stay alive long enough for the Voice of Calm to silence them.
~Acacia Faye
Background for the poem: So I work in call center. I take calls all day. Sometimes doing nothing meaningful all day just gets to me. This poem was inspired by a terrible week I had. Literally, everyday when I woke up something awful would happen in my adult life. Not to mention our other call center shut down for that week. So we were getting back to back calls from customers who were mad because they had been on hold so long. It was a stressful week altogether. Somewhere in the middle of the week I had the whole, "Just give me something meaningful to do or kill me." Conversation with God. He said, "You just wait." Honestly, I'm not quite sure what God wants me to do or what life holds, but I am expecting amazing things, because that's how God works. I know if I don't wait and see, I'll miss something and I don't want to miss anything. So, here is my advice to anyone who is struggling, even if you're atheist, just do what God said, "You just wait." You never know what you'll find when the horrifying season in your life is over. Just push through it. You're strong enough.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or feelings. Know that you are not alone. There is always someone out there who understands. Reach out to someone you trust. Here are some links to an organization that is opened 24 hours a day everyday of the week for no other reason, but to help you live another day. Don't try and fight this alone. We need each other.
The National Suicide Hotline Call 1-800-273-8255chat is available toohttps://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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