What I Was Made For ______.
by LadybytheSea
Suicide is a difficult subject for me. I rarely talk about it in person (I struggle to even say the word) and defiantly don't talk about my own struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings to others. I do talk to God and Jesus about it a lot during my prayer times. I talk about myself and I pray for others who struggle too. It wasn't until recently that I've admitted my struggle to some of my friends.
Hard Times
The first chapter to my suicide journey started with too many big emotionally complex and heavy events all happening in a short amount of time. I felt too much. Too much anger. Too much shock. Too much loss. So much I sometimes stopped feeling anything at all. The emotions sat in my chest like a small black whole slowly collapsing my heart, my soul, my mind. Living, breathing, thinking, it became unbearable. Sleep was a blessing. Reading book after book was an escape; my addiction. Being alone was preferable. As days passed during my later years of high school, Death started sounding like a sweet song. It called to me like a siren. I thought about it. I thought about my death everyday. Every hour. I was obsessed. Throughout my days I saw so many ways I could parish, but the night I got close to trying, I couldn't. I thought too much about my family and friends and how they would have to deal with me being a memory. I wasn't ready to be a memory people cried over. I wasn't ready to give people their own black hole in their chest.
I couldn't- wouldn't - give them grief.
Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive, Ah, Ah, Ahhhhhhh
It wasn't easy dealing with my emotions and mind. It still hurt to live. Death's song still sounded sweet, but I stuffed my ears with cotton and told my morbid thoughts to quote, "In Jesus Christ's holy name f*ck off." (Don't know if that was the best language to use, but it sure was what I wanted to say, and what I did say. I've apologized to Jesus for it too.) I became stubborn. I cried. I mourned. I raged. I wore black and dark clothes almost everyday, and I prayed to My Heavenly Father that he'd let me go home to him soon. I stayed. I stayed and read the Bible. I listened to preachers, friends, family talk about Jesus and I talked to Jesus too. I gave him everything. Poured all of my pain into my prayers and prayed for the others struggling with being alive too. I asked him a thousand questions and I asked him for help. I prayed and I thought about death and I told these suicidal thoughts to fuck off over and over and over. I stubbornly went to high school and while I stayed a lone wolf, I tried to be kind. I prayed for the kids I walked passed in the hallways hoping God would heal their inner pain too.
I asked God what I was made for. What I could live for.
A Number of Reasons Why
It has taken me seven years, yes seven, years to get to where I am and to learn these lessions. Seven long years of heartbreak, and laughter. Of letting go of self preservation but I have made it here and I am going to continure staying. these are the reasons my I stayed.
I stay to love others, even when I don't trust them
I stay to receive love, even when I couldn't believe I was lovable
I stay to be alive, even when I think I shouldn't
I stay to keep moving forward, instead of staying still
I stay to love, to learn, to shine like the full moon on a cloudless night
I stay to make new memories with my friends, my family, strangers, classmates, co- workers
I stay to live abundantly in spite of my struggles.
I stay to work for my future
I stay to fail and to try again
I stay to be human, not perfect
I stay to forgive
I stay to be brave
I stay to be vulnerable
I stay to see myself grow up
Keep Moving Forward
Disney's Meet The Robersons
It's my favorite quote and it's my motto. Keep moving forward. I'm working on moving forward, and getting help. I want to reach out to the people in my life, to connect, and to let myself live; to be sucessful and even to fail. I want to see what I'm capable of acomplishing in this bittersweet world.
One of the ways God, and my loved ones, have shown me these last seven years on how I can keep moving forward is my seeing how I was made for loving others, and for reciving love.
Help! I Need Somebody
Getting help for myself has been a lesson on letting go of some self-reliance and fear. It is in the letting go and in the asking, "Help me, please." that I have been able to make progress and move forward. It hasn't been easy. I still struggle with my mental health and some days are bad, but now on the bad days, I have learned to reach out to someone I trust, and it has made a positive impact on my life and overall health.
I love seeing organizations like TWLOHA continue to erase the stigma mental health issuse. Their campagins over the years have helped me so much in my life and I am glad I've been able to follow them through my hard times. I want to see a world where we talk about the vulnerable things and are met with sincer compassion. A world were we are offered respect, hope, love, patiance and trust when we share our stories.
We are made for love, and for comunity.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or feelings, please reach out to someone you trust. We are made for comunity, and to help one another.
Always remeber you are not alone, and you are unconditionally loved.
Here are some links one can reach out to for informantion, and help:
The National Suicide Hotline
Call 1-800-273-8255
chat is available too
Both are available 24 hours everyday
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
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