I Dreamed a Dream
By: Naomi Lea
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words were inviting
I was in Mr. McGinn’s 10th grade geometry class. He sat in the seat directly in front of me. Every now and then, he would turn around and flash me a smile from his lips slightly touched with the outline of a growing mustache. He was a year older than me. His name was unforgettable.
One day, I wore a shirt with pockets near the waistline. I mentioned it, emphasizing the practicality of pockets in womens’ clothing. Without warning, he stuck his hand in my pocket. I could feel his hand against my stomach and he could feel the warmth of my body. He looked into my eyes, and I, with my widened eyes, into his. Then he quickly retracted his hand and said, “Sorry,” with a nervous laugh. “It’s okay,” I respond quietly. Nobody else noticed in class as they were busy talking and flirting amongst each other. It felt as if we were the only two in the room. Shortly after, he asked me for my number.
That night began a correspondence of which I will never forget. I longed for the vibration of the “hey” that made me grasp at my phone as if it would run away from me. Every text from him sent me into a flutter. Excitement shot through my system when I felt the slight buzz through my jacket pockets. We would talk deep into the night. I would snuggle under my blankets and as the glow of the screen backlight lit up my face, it further illuminated the smile spread across my face.
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
That night, we went to see the new rendition of Speed Racer. We both like animations and kid movies, especially since we were basically still kids. I was fifteen and he was sixteen. We sat next to each other in the movie theater. The tension between us was all I could think of. His hand every now and then inched towards mine, almost attempting to reach it. I left it resting on the arm rest, but I never felt his touch. I was disappointed, thinking perhaps maybe everything we ever spoke of was just “talking”; no intention of acting on anything. I waited.
After the movie, we walked home together. He asked if I wanted to go the long way with him. We went up to one of the highest hills in our neighborhood where he said he liked to go up and watch the stars. That was complete bull because there were lampposts all around. But, it was secluded and quiet since not many people went up there. He led me out onto a span of grass and indicated for me to look upwards at the sky. Surprisingly, we could see the stars clearly, and he started identifying the constellations. He pointed out the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, and as he lifted hand to direct my gaze to Orion’s Belt, his other hand crept around my shoulder. I froze with excitement. It was such a corny move, but I reveled in it with a glee I tried my best to suppress. I never wanted him to let go.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
He asked me if I could come out. I made an excuse to get out of the house and rushed, almost at a run, towards the park. He was already there by the fish pond. He smiled with that faint, pubescent mustache outlining his bright smile. His hand reached for mine as we walked along the path. We headed deeper into the woods, talking about what we had done that day. It was dark and around 9pm. Everyone was out of the park; we were completely alone.
We sat down on top of the metal picnic table on which there were some scattered little pebbles. I picked one up and chucked it into a nearby trash barrel. I made it easily, and so he tried to do the same. He missed. I felt a little pride welling up inside of me. He then made a bet, to which I agreed. We would continue to throw rocks into the trashcan and whoever missed had to take off a piece of clothing. I thought it would be an easy win, but for some reason, my aim seemed to leave me as the game went on, and his got extremely accurate.
I learned many things that night. He offered to teach me what I didn’t know, which was a lot. When we parted, I had never felt more connected to any other human being. As I walked home, I felt like I was floating across the asphalt. I imagined that we would date through high school. We would go the rest of the school dances together. We could continue throughout college and build a life together. He wanted to be in the Air Force and I had no idea what I wanted to do. My parents would love him and surely his mom would be okay with me. As I mapped out our futures, I was also planning my next possible plan to sneak out of my house to see him again.
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
We went for a run that night at the high school track. After about a mile and a half, we decided to vary the terrain. We ended up in the park again. Breathing heavily in the darkness of the woods, we both knew what we wanted that night. It was not expected from the start, but I knew in that moment that I wanted my body to be his and his to be mine. I was extremely nervous, but he continuously whispered his reassurances to me with his voice and as our hands traversed each other’s bodies. However, as soon as the last garments were trying to come off, I hesitated. He urgently asked me,
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know if we can do this. Do we have the time?”
“We’ll be quick, I promise.”
“I don’t about this. Maybe we shouldn’t?”
“Why? Don’t worry,” he said with his voice and his hands as he took me into himself and we followed our carnal desires to their ends.
And still I dream he’ll come to me
And we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I felt strange. I did not go exactly how I had planned. Things happened almost too quickly to remember. It was over before I knew it. The weeks afterward, I was not sure of what to say to him. I didn’t want to leave his side, but at the same time, nobody could ever know what had happened between us. Perhaps I seemed distant to him. The same mobile phone buzz didn’t sent flutters of exhilaration as much as it did fear. We lived in a very small community. If anyone knew anything, it would spread very quickly.
Barely a week had passed, and I received some news from my friend. She had seen him in another town with another girl. According to her, they were making out in the park. I did not know what to say. At first, I was filled with rage. Then I felt indifference. If he wanted to take all that we had and throw it away, it was fine by me. That night, in my room, I cried into my pillow for the first time over a boy who had broken my heart. I suppose it technically wasn’t “cheating,” since we were not officially “together,” but it felt just as horrible.
A few weeks later, all the emotions escalated. I was terrified. I was late. There was no one I could really trust about this. So, I asked a softball teammate who had mentioned before that she knew of some pills that could help take care of it. She had used them herself when she and her boyfriend had not used protection. Thankfully, I never had to use them since there ended up being no cause for alarm.
So different now from what it seemed…
I thought I wanted this boy. I thought I wanted to be his and his alone. I thought I wanted to do the things the teenagers did in the movies, the things I was supposed to do at that age. That was all a lie. What I thought I needed to do to fulfill my teenage years ended up being one of the biggest regrets of my life. These days, people would never guess I lived through these events. I don’t usually talk about it. It isn’t a happy memory. There are some parts that I look back on and think, “Wow, if only it had stopped there,” but it didn’t.
If I could pass any ounce of advice on, it would be to wait. There is no rush in the physical realm of relationships. There no rush when it comes to starting relationships at all. A man and a woman in love is a beautiful thing. It was ordained by God to be such a partnership. That should not be just a dream dreamt in time gone by. That should be reality. That is my prayer for all who read this.
No comments:
Post a Comment