Short Story ~ Awake ~ NL ~ 17

Awake

By: Naomi Lea

     She sat in a relaxed posture without any tension in her limbs. From behind her closed lids, the blackness became splotched with fuzzy whiteness and melded together into an image. There he was, just as if it were real, Johnny’s face smiled at her. She wanted to ask him where he was and why he was not there waking up with her that morning. 

     Slowly, the image of his face hazed out into the fuzzy white, then into complete black. Olivia was back in her room on the edge of her bed with her toes still dug into her shag rug. She stared at the ground, still thinking of the image she had just seen.

     Suddenly, a noise and buzzing sound emitted from the bedside table. Her mobile phone was ringing. She unfolded her phone and answered with,

"Hello?"

"Hello, Mrs. Berril. It's your nurse, Elisa.  Have you had breakfast today? Remember, you need to take your medicine with your first meal."

"Oh, breakfast?"

"Yes, ma'am. I'll be dropping by around noon, so make sure to have a little breakfast and take your medicine before I come."

"Alright, thank you Elisa, dear."

"Okay, ma'am. I'll see you soon."

     Olivia put the phone back down on the bedside table and stood up. She stepped off the shag rug and slid her feet into her worn slippers. She then shuffled to the hallway and towards the kitchen. She needed to take her medicine. She turned on the kitchen light and squinted her eyes, getting used to the brightness. As she squinted her vision blurred slightly, but as she opened her eyes, the scene around her refocused and the outlines of everything became more defined. She thought of something else she wanted to see.

     She sat turned the lights out again and sat at her kitchen table in the dark. Her feet rested lightly on the hard floor. She traced the outline of the small, four-inch tiles with the tips of her slippers. With eyes closed and body relaxed, she breathed slowly and steadily. This time, when the white splotches came into focus, she was still in the very same kitchen, but light was shining through the windows. Johnny was there at the stove making breakfast with his back toward her. He turned his head over his shoulder and gave her a grin and said, “Honey, do you want your eggs this morning?” Before she could answer, the sound of pattering feet approached at a rapid pace and she felt arms hugging her legs and heads upon her lap. Two little faces looked up at her and excitedly cried, “Mommy! Mommy! We’re up! We’re up!”

     She laughingly gathered them in her arms saying, “Well, I can see that!” and smothered them in kisses, which they heartily returned. Johnny finished transferring the scrambled eggs from the pan to the plate and walked over. He put the eggs in front of her and then picked up both of the six year old twin boys, and snuggled them close. Then he put them down and kissed Olivia on the cheek, to which Olivia replied, “That’s exactly how I like my eggs.” Johnny looked over at the plate and asked, “Scrambled?” She shook her head smilingly and said, “No, silly, with a kiss!”

     Then, when Olivia opened her eyes, she was sitting at the kitchen table just as before, but not in complete darkness. There sunlight was now streaming in through the windows, brightly illumining the room. Remembering that she was supposed to be having breakfast, she decided that she would have some scrambled eggs.

     As she made her breakfast, she heard a knock at the kitchen door. She looked up and saw a friendly face in the door window. Elisa came inside and greeted her with, “Good afternoon Mrs. Berril. I see you’re still working on breakfast. Have you taken your medication yet?”

“No, not yet dear. I don’t much care for that medicine anyways. Do I need to take it? It keeps me from remembering things.”

“Well, Mrs. Berril, I think it would be best. You’re scheduled to have visitors this evening, and it would help if you stayed in the present while they are here.”

“I see. I suppose it would be rude to do otherwise.”

“Yes, perhaps so, ma’am. Let me get your dose for you.”

     Elisa set down her equipment bag and went over to the cabinet where the medicine was usually stored. She took out the pill bottle and shook out three white capsules and handed them to Olivia with a glass of water. Oliva received them and, doing her best to mask her reluctance, took them under supervision. She then asked, “So who is schedule to come see me this evening, dear?” Elisa smiled and said, “The same folks that come as usual, ma’am. Your family.”

     Olivia closed her eyes and sighed. She opened them again with questioning furrowed brows and replied, “Them? Again? Will they always keep coming around? I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up the game. I understand they are grieving, but we are not true family. Wouldn’t it be wrong to continue in this way?”

     Elisa returned the sigh, but hers was quieter. She then looked at Olivia and said, “I think it would be best to continue, Mrs. Berril. You are doing wonderful things for this family. You lift their spirits ever so much whenever they see you. And from what I’ve heard, there will be a new visitor this time, too.”

     That evening, Olivia and Elisa waited together in the kitchen. It was Olivia’s favorite room since the windows let in the most light in the day and had the best view of the moon at night. The sky was turning dusky when they saw a vehicle pull up into the driveway. A man, woman, and two young girls got out of the car. The man went to the backseat and pulled out a car seat and diaper bag. One of girls took the bag for the man, and the other girl helped her with it as they walked up the drive to the house.

     They arrived at the kitchen door and Elisa was there to meet them before they could knock. She ushered them in, girls first, then the woman, and then the man with the car seat, which he put down on the kitchen table in front of Olivia. She looked under the retractable shade of the car seat and saw an infant in a light blue onesie, complete with blue hat, socks, and mittens. When she saw the baby, it reminded her faintly of someone, but she could not recall who.

     The man spoke saying, “Hello, mother. I want to introduce you to our son, Johnny.” The mention of the name startled Olivia. The man could see that it made an effect. His face became hopeful. “Mother, do you remember that name?” He gave a widened glance at the woman, who returned it with equally largened eyes and a smile. He then gathered the girls to him, putting his hands on their shoulders.

     “What a sweet name for a baby boy,” said Olivia with a warm smile. “I think I knew someone with that name, once. And I’m sure he was a lovely person,” she continued. “Unfortunately, I can’t quite put the name to the face from my memories.”

     The man, unwilling to let this opportunity go, tried with, “Well, do you remember my name? I’m Harry. Your boy. Johnny was my father’s name.” He searched her face for a response. She squinted her eyes and examined the man’s face. After a few moments, she shook her head saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t remember ever having a boy named Harry.” The man’s eyes twinged with disappointment as he replied, “That’s alright. Anyways, we’ve come for a little chat. The girls have been looking forward to seeing you all month,” he said as he nudged them forward.

     The girls sat down at the kitchen table, one on either side of Olivia, and looked up at her with sparkling eyes. The taller one spoke first saying, “Violet has a loose tooth that’s been wiggling all week! We’re thinking of how we’re gonna pull it!” Violet, who was only seven and two years younger than her sister, interjected with, “Well, you’re not gonna do it for sure, Ellie!” Olivia laughed and looked at Violet with excited eyes and asked, “So how would you prefer to do it, dear?”

     The girls and Olivia, engaged in their conversation, kept themselves occupied for the next hour while the man, woman, baby, and Elisa spoke at the edge of the room. The man asked Elisa,

“How has she been?” “She’s been alright. She keeps drifting off more, though. She’s on her medication right now, so there shouldn’t be any problem for now,” Elisa responded. The man and woman looked at one another worryingly. The woman finally spoke asking, “Do you think it would be better if she were to stay with us? I’m sure she would find it much more comfortable than staying alone. She seems to enjoy the girls.”

     Elisa shook her head and said, “I’m sorry, Mrs. Berril, but I don’t think that would be a good idea. She can’t remember who you are. To her, you’re not really her family.” The woman nodded her head in acceptance, figuring it was worth a try anyway, though this was not the first time the suggestion was rejected. The man put his arm around the woman and said comfortingly, “I know, Helen. That’s what I want, too. But until then, we can’t stress her out and cause a breakdown. She’s in a pretty precarious place mentally, right Elisa?”

     “Yes, Mr. Berril,” replied Elisa, “The best thing we can do is keep her where she’s comfortable, and that’s right here. I have her latest brain activity reports now. I’ll show you.” Elisa went over to her equipment bag, took out an electronic tablet, and brought it over to Harry and Helen. She showed them an image of a colorful span of a brain outline. Elisa indicated, “This is Olivia’s brain when she is either sleeping, napping, or any activity in which her body is greatly relaxed. That releases her consciousness and her memories. However, this,” Elisa displayed as she showed them a new and moving image, “is her current brain activity. As you can see, it is less colorful and some areas are completely dark. This means she has consciously shut off those areas of her brain and thus her memories. I believe it is a deliberate defense mechanism to shut out mental stress.”

     Harry bowed his head into his hand and softly groaned. Helen put her arms around his and hugged it in support. He knew exactly what his mother was trying to shut out. He did not blame her for not wanting to remember. “So, she only has these memories in dreams. She doesn’t remember anything when she is awake?” he asked Elisa. “That’s right, Mr. Berril. When she’s awake, she’s safe. But, when she is asleep or in her mind’s world, she can see and remember anything,” said Elisa warily. “I try to give her stimulants to keep her awake and active throughout the day and not leave her on her own for too long so that she doesn’t drift off. Unfortunately, she’s trying to block off more and more of her brain functionality. At this rate, she might not be able to remember anything while awake.” Harry, eyes set and hand clasping his wife’s, said, “Well, then, we’ll make sure that she’s as happy as can be while she’s with us.”

     Together, the three watched Olivia and the girls chatting away about school, what they had seen during the car ride, and anything that popped into the girls’ heads. Olivia seemed to enjoy herself, talking as expressively as the children, encouraging them and giggling with them when appropriate. Helen even brought little Johnny over and when Olivia held him, he gurgled happily at her and reached for her long grey hair that shaped her face in wavy locks.

     When it was time to go, the girls hugged Olivia and kissed her cheek saying, “Goodbye Grandma! We’ll see you next time. Love you!” Then they skipped out the door to the drive yelling behind them, “Daddy! Did you unlock the car?” Their father chuckled and beeped the car remote to let them in. Helen gave her a side hug while toting little Johnny and followed the girls out to the car. Harry then went up to her and gave her a hug saying, “I miss you, Mother. I love you.” Then he walked out towards his family without looking back.

     Olivia was exhausted by the time they left, but she felt content. She believed she did a great job of helping that family by pretending to be the grandmother that they lost. She could not even remember when she had first met them. It had been so long since they had been coming every month. At least now they were gone. She could relax alone.

     After she got ready to sleep, she sat on the edge of her bed just like that morning, massaging her toes into the shag rug. Then she got under the covers and went to bed. Once she shut her eyes, she quickly drifted away, sinking deeper into her mind.

     The same blackness enveloped her, but then the white splotches came back and formed images. Johnny was sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands and his shoulder shaking. Immediately Olivia rushed over and put her arms around him, caressing him and rubbing his back. She asked him urgently, “Honey, what’s wrong?” He didn’t put his hands down from his face, but she could see the tears leaking out down his cheeks. Again she asked him, “Johnny, why are you crying?” He could only say the words, “Teddy… Teddy… Our poor Teddy…” She heard wails coming from another part of the house. It was Harry sobbing at the top of his lungs, “Teddy! Why did you have to go?!” His undulating cries rang through the house and as he continued his lament.

     Olivia rushed to his room and scooped him in her arms asking loudly with tears welling in her own eyes, “Harry! Where’s Teddy? What happened?” Harry buried his face into shoulder and clung to her, barely getting out the words through his gasps for air, “The car… Daddy didn’t see… no moving…” Olivia froze as the reality of what had happened hit her. The pain started creeping in, slowly infiltrating her entire body, wracking her with constriction that she could not handle. She began to breathe a little faster, then she scooted her grieving son off her lap and darted out of the room. She was filled with this fiery, raging pain coming from her heart that felt like it was exploding like an atomic bomb. She wanted to punch holes through the walls and kick the doors down, but then she also wanted to crumple up in a corner and never come out. She started pacing the hallway outside Harry’s room, then she ran to the kitchen.

     Johnny was still there. His head was now in his arms on the table. “Johnny,” she began, “Did you do this to our boy?” Johnny didn’t move. Again, she asked in a louder voice, “Johnny, did you do this to our boy.” Silence ensued. Increasing in volume yet again and stepping closer, she asked, pleading for an answer, “Johnny, did you do this to our boy?” She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him, escalating in pitch sounding almost manic, “Johnny! Did you do this to our boy?!” His body was unusually heavy and as she shook him, he slipped from her grip and he fell on the floor. His head hit the tile floor and there was a crack. Blood oozed across the white tiles into the grout from his temple. She stood and stared at the ground, swaying as the blood drained from her head and dizziness overtook her. She felt her legs give and down she went, following Johnny to the cold, hard, reddening floor.

     Olivia opened her eyes and awakened, as usual, without the sound of any alarm. She arose out of bed and swung her feet out from under the covers. It was brighter out, almost mid-morning. She had slept longer than usual. The phone at her bedside rang. It was Elisa who greeted her with, “Good morning, Mrs. Berril. Did you sleep well? Have you had your breakfast and taken your medicine yet?” Olivia smiled and replied, “Quite well, dear. I’m just about to head to breakfast now.” “Alright then,” Elisa said, “I’ll be by around noon to check on you.”