Letter - A Response to Lady by the Sea - NL - 10

Dear Lady by the Sea,

First off, I thoroughly enjoyed your letter. Your vocabulary was quite extensive, my friend. I actually had to look up ‘corybantic’. I love learning new words, and I’m sure you do as well, hence, the use of ‘corybantic.’ Now, I have a few points I want to touch on from your letter. This is simply reflection and hopefully some direction as you go forward. I wish we could have this discussion over a hot cup of coffee or tea, but until we are in the same country again, we will have to settle for written dialogue.

Your words of self-hatred at first glance are seen as humble, but a closer look would almost deem them ungodly. I know only too well what it is like to adopt failure as part of my personality. It is not right, my friend. We must not do that. I know that you are a Believer, emphasized with a capital “B” to indicate belief in the one and only truth of God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I do not mean to preach or spit doctrine at you, but your words remind me so much of how I felt about my own life just recently.

When we focus only on our flaws and hatred for them, we forget our purpose. We think only about what our ideal standards are and the spiral of self-loathing continues deeper and deeper into the pits of Hell, for that is where such attitudes lead us. Instead, we must heal. This is not an easy task. I am not a fan of hospitals, nor do I like people touching or probing me in places that make me feel uncomfortable. I especially do not like medication. I could not even swallow pills without hiding them in yogurt or peanut-butter until after I was sixteen years old. When it comes to spiritual matters, my innermost being with all my secret, dirty sinful thoughts, I really do not want any prying eyes. However, those are the exact places that need the cleaning.

Have you read C.S. Lewis’ Narnia series, Lady by the Sea? If you have not, I highly recommend it. There is a part in the fifth book, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, in which a boy, who has turned into a dragon, must be changed back into a human. The only way to do this is to peel away the dragon scales and skin to get through to the pinky flesh. He tries to do it on his own with his clunky dragon claws, but he can only get flakes and the smallest skims off of himself. Aslan, the great lion with his massive scythe-like claws, has to plunge deep and pull off hunks skin to reveal the frail and tender being of the human boy.

The hatred and self-loathing is like that dragon hide. We cannot just stop being overly critical on our own, we have to let someone help. That someone, being so obviously symbolic, needs no explanation. That person is deserving of all our attention. When we use our gifts and abilities to further Him, our perspectives change. We gain a new purpose other than fulfilling the want of sounding like an admired writer or comparing writing levels or anything that uses humanly standards. Sure, grammar and style are important, but those can be learned and practiced by anyone. Acacia Faye and I have devoted years to our craft through many classes, editing sessions, and papers drenched in inky corrections. It has been painful to keep writing and writing, and having the people you admire continuously point out your flaws again and again. I suppose Acacia Faye and I did not need any internal stimulus for hating our own writing; we got enough of it from our professors!

But, that aside, you have to keep practicing to get better at anything. As you said, we are still starting out and we’re still young. There is so much more for all of us to learn. I know you have insecurities, but they must be put aside so as not to hinder your true purpose; going “further up and further in” as Aslan says. If that means wearing those platform heels, then please be careful and do not get hurt, maybe grab a spotter. Also, please don’t hate me, but I write and highlight in my books. And, if I do write a book, I am probably going to sign it in the front cover because I think it makes the book more personal. But, if you would like to leave notes, that is totally okay. We can get some super cute post-its for you.

Anyways, please keep letting Him pull away your dragon hide. I will be praying for you, and praying that I allow Him to continue doing the same to me. I am in great need of Him in my life, as we all are. No matter how you feel about your writing, just keep doing it and remember that it is not so much your opinion of your work that matters or the external trimmings, it’s all about your purpose and your message in your writing. My challenge for you is to stay true to the Truth, my friend. It is our challenge and cross to bear, but it’s incomparable to the one Christ bore for us. I’m thankful we’re following that same Savior together. Take comfort in Him, dear Lady by the Sea, and let Him calm any storms within you.

Affectionately,

Naomi Lea

Essay - "Guilt" - NL - 7

Guilt

     To many, guilt is something that should be avoided. It feels unpleasant to say the least and can sometimes be excruciatingly painful. Psychologists have many explanations for guilt. Freud thought it involved the psychosexual development of young children who were suppressing their desires to have sex with their opposite gendered parent. Thankfully, most of the world does not hold Freud as the authority on guilt or other emotions we try to analyze. Many other psychologists tend to define it as an internal state that culminates various negative emotions such as anxiety, stress, fear, doubt, etc. Unfortunately, some people have difficulty exiting this state of mind; they tend to remain guilty for longer than necessary.

     Some may say that they have no control over how they feel, that they “can’t help” but feel guilty. However real that may seem, it is not true. Human beings have a choice to be what they want to be, whether they realize it or not. How a person understands guilt is determined by his or her worldview. Guilt is real, but we have a choice as to how to view it. It can either be a monstrously personified emotion rampaging our subconscious, or an indicator of our mistakes. It can be torment, or healthy correction. It is the individual’s choice to determine the purpose and definition of guilt.

Guilt is often defined in comparison to shame. Shame is usually considered the negative emotions that occur from not meeting the standards of other people; is an externally evoked emotion. If a girl chose to tuck her pants into her socks and another girl ridiculed her for her choice of wardrobe, her embarrassment would be considered shame. Though she did know that what she was doing would be “shameful” to someone else, but she would experience that negative emotion only when she did not meet her peer’s standards of style. On the other hand, guilt is an internal feeling caused by the negative emotions of not meeting a higher standard that one believes to be true. For example, Christians live by a moral code which was not created by themselves but God. If a Christian were to break a commandment commit a sin, bad feelings would usually ensue.

     Guilt is an ugly feeling. It makes one feel dirty, wrong, and simply “lesser”. People usually do not like said feeling, especially the latter. Hence our history of human rights movements and protests, purposed with bringing justice to the disenfranchised and marginalized. There were nations of people who were bound by shame and were punished because they did not meet the standards of appearance or culture of another country. This is shame and the causation was founded on an ungodly sense of warped principles. However, the “lesser” feeling of shame is not the same “lesser feeling of guilt, though it may seem similar.

     Shame is usually used by others to coerce and manipulate, but guilt is something that comes from within. Some may say it is from our conscious which helps to determine right from wrong, but I believe it is more than a mistake detection device. Speaking from my worldview as a Christian, I believe it has a God ordained purpose. It was originally used in the bible to convey “indebtedness”, which was different from sin itself. “Sin” and “guilt” were defined differently in the Old Testament and even had different restitution methods. There were sin offerings and guilt offerings, separated by the effects of each. Sin refers to the mistake or wrongdoing of a person, but guilt stems from the relational harm between the people who commit and feel the effects of the sin.

Say two men who are friends get into an argument. One punches the other and breaks his nose. The one who threw the punch may be sorry afterward and even pay for the hospital bill, but that is not the end of the indebtedness. Their relationship is not the same as before and has been marred from the actions of the other. It will take time and a lot of work the part of the attacker to make up and restore the relationship. The same is when a Jew would sin against God; that guilt would remain until they made the appropriate guilt offerings and sacrifices to restore their relationship with God. However, when Jesus came and paid the ultimate sacrifice, his death absolved our guilt as well. Though we as Christians still feel the negative emotions that accompany guilt, it is not a mental state in which we live our whole lives. Christ came so that we could have direct relationship with God and never be “indebted” again.

     I believe that the guilt we feel today is designed like smoke detectors are in modern houses. When we leave the food burning on the stove or accidentally cook the popcorn for twenty minutes instead of two, houses come with alarms that let us know when we are doing something wrong. An extremely annoying noise is usually emitted informing the house inhabitants that fast action is required. Sometimes water sprinklers spout from the ceiling soaking everything and making life very difficult, miserable, wet, and cold. Guilt is the same way. When people live in a lifestyle of sin that is hindering their relationship with God, they may feel some negative emotions that are indicators of required change. However, many simply wallow in their mistakes and believe they have no choice but to live in a house that always beeps and rains on them indoors.

     When the alarms and sprinklers go off, we must do what we can to put out the fires or see if there is a malfunction with our detectors. Either way, it causes us to examine our foundations; it makes us go back to God, which should be the first response whenever anything goes awry. That is exactly what guilt should prompt: crying out to God and developing our relationship with Him. Guilt is kind of like God’s toddler gate for his children. When we are trying to go up the stairs, in the kitchen, or other “off limits” areas, he puts up the safety gate. It may feel uncomfortable not to be able to keep going in the direction we want, but it is for our own good so we do not accidentally fall down the stairs on our weak undeveloped legs or stick our hands in a drawer looking for treats and get stabbed by cutlery.

     In the end, we as humans have a choice to believe what we want about guilt. We can believe that it is designed by God for our good, or another theory. Our free will can reach many extremes, as exemplified by Freud’s psychoanalytic theories, but the fact is that God’s world does exist. We can choose to adopt an existentialist mindset and believe we are all alone and that we create our own meaning, or that there are already meanings created for us to learn and understand by and God that loves us. We have the choice to believe what we want, and I choose to believe that guilt is not a crippling monster that I cannot overcome. At first, it may seem like you must consciously keep “making” the choice to believe, but once you continue making the choice, it becomes truth and there is no other way to believe. There is hope and guilt is not as bad as it seems, if you choose to believe so.

Bibliography

Gilkerson, Luke. "Guilt vs Shame: Why Definitions Matter." Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes, 15 July 2015. Web. 12 June 2017.

Motyer, Stephen. "Guilt Definition and Meaning - Bible Dictionary." Bible Study Tools. Ed. Walter A. Elwell. Baker House Book Company, 1996. Web. 12 June 2017.

Whitbourne, Susan Krauss. "The Definitive Guide to Guilt." Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, 11 Aug. 2012. Web. 12 June 2017.

Yancey, Philip. "Guilt Good and Bad." ChristianityToday.com. Christianity Today, 18 Nov. 2002. Web. 12 June 2017

Essay ~ Easter ~ NL ~ 4

Easter

By: Naomi Lea

     Easter is the holiday of brightly colored dresses and ovular shaped chocolates. It's the holiday of that annoying, stringy, fake grass that people keep putting it in plastic wrapped gift baskets. The world is painted in pastels and the weather slowly begins to permit short sleeves.

    
     Humanity as a whole should be so happy as earth's seasonal changes bring about new life; as spring bursts forth from its restful, silent, wintry state. Though there are natural fireworks of celebration occurring in nature, how is it possible that a person can be sad or depressed? Especially when there is nothing really wrong with her life?

     This person is also a Christian and should have a deeper connection to Easter and its significance in her life. A Christian believes that Christ died and was resurrected three days later to save creation from sin. That is more than enough to be happy about, yet this girl found no special thrill as the holiday approached.

     Every Sunday since the beginning of Lent, she kept making resolutions to start anew in certain aspects of her life; a new gym membership, a diet, a prayer regimen, new organizational apps, and the restarting of hobbies. Though she tried again and again to change and renew her life and find passionate ambitions again, nothing stuck. After a few days she would lose the drive; become lazy, restless, and self-pitying.

     Then she remembered the movie Thumbelina, the cartoon version by Fox and Warner Bros. It showed the "changing of the leaves" as a festival for the fairies. They would fly throughout the world and change the summer saplings into red, orange, and brown bowers. The change could not happen without the fairies' magic and without their doing, there wouldn't be the four seasons.

     Just as the world couldn't change on its own, neither could she change her own life without the power of the one who created the world. She tried to do all these things within her own strength. That is why they all failed. That is also why the failure stunned her into regression; it was a stymie in which she felt completely alone. As she continued to try again with yet another surely fool-proof plan, the cycle continued, resulting in the fall and stagnation of what she deemed as progress.

     This was continuing on until this girl had a heart to heart with her mother. Mothers play such variant roles at all our stages in life and this time, her mother came in as the ultimate preacher and motivational life coach. After tears of frustration and confusion were shed, it became clear to the girl that the problem lay within her will to do things on her own. She realized that, as cliche as it may sound: God is in control and He is the one that makes changes, not any earthly power.

     With that reawakening, she thought again towards Easter and what it meant. That resurrection of life, that ability to commune with God could not have happened with just humans willing it to be so. Even if people did their best to follow all of God's ordinances, waking up each day with good intentions not to sin, such strategies would not prevail. It's clearly recorded how well that plan worked in the Old Testament. The only way forward is to submit to the power of God, just as nature laid open and vulnerably submitted to the fairy magic which wrought the most beautiful changes.

     So as Easter drew near yet again, the girl thought to herself that maybe it was time to stop trying to make herself new. Instead, she figured she would let the fairy magic take root and transform her into whatever God had planned for her. She would be like the trees and flowers who have no choice but to obey their maker. She would wake up not trying to find out what gives her drive and motivation, but instead seek it through prayer and scripture. As she pondered such thoughts, she grew excited and eager for the coming Easter. It would be truly be a time of celebration, for now she knew that it would not be about her becoming new, but about new life being manifested within her. It would not be about cleaning up her own life and implementing changes, but laying down all personal agendas and allowing herself to be touched and washed. It was about putting down, not putting on. Just as Christ put down himself so that we may have life, so it is for the Believer to put down her own self.

     The girl now looked to the coming Easter with a quiet happiness. Her life felt rekindled. She knew with a blessed assurance that the fairy magic would keep changing the seasons and that God would bring changes in her, too.

Essay ~ Shoes ~ NL ~ 3

Shoes

By: Naomi Lea

     Does one's choice of footwear reflect a person's personality or life experiences? I believe it does. Usually, when someone buys a pair of shoes, there is a reason behind the act, however frivolous or purposeful it may be. Hiking trips call for sturdy boots with ankle support. Fancy balls and galas require heels that sparkle and go with the gown. Everyday commuting shoes need to be clean, casual, and comfortable, depending one one's occupation. I usually sport a pair of grey Vans that go with just about any colored clothing, and I sometimes interchange them with brown hiking boots or brown heeled boots.

     What I wear speaks to what I do on a daily basis. By their neutral and plain design, my Vans say that I obviously do not like a lot of attention drawn to my feet. The brown casual boots are waterproof and good for woodsy treks and walks around town. They say that I like to be active and need footwear that protect my feet in the activities I like to do. My heeled boots show that I occasionally need to dress up and make the impression that I actually care about what I'm wearing. Luckily, these dressier boots are also waterproof and comfortable even though I'm elevated a few inches higher than usual.

     Just as my shoes speak for their owner, other shoes do the same. I ride the subway everyday and whether I sit or stand, my sights are cast down towards the floor so I don't accidentally stare into the midst and lock eyes with a random person. However, with this indoor landscape view, I have lines and lines of shoes around me filling my peripheral vision. Each pair goes along with its wearer and tells a little bit of their story.

     
     I see the business shoes that hug leather briefcases set on the floor. There are combat boots from soldiers with their camouflage pant cuffs tucked into the olive green socks. Folks wear running shoes that look like they have accumulated some mileage and walking shoes that look fresh out of the box. Name brands like Nike, Puma, Adidas, New Balance, and Sketchers walk before me, showing that their owners either truly care about the quality of their shoes, or they know what brands the actors and idols of South Korea wear. Many choose shoes that specifically go with their outfits, while some folks evidently wear that one pair every single day and will probably buy another similar or identical pair to continue doing the same. Some shoes are dirtier than others, indicating that the wearer either does not take care of the shoes or lives in a rural or muddy area. Sometimes I feel confident enough in my ability to tell a person by their shoes that I don't bother to look up and see who they really are. Especially when I see shoes that blare the brands make young people flock to them because their favorite K-pop star or actor wears them. Many people in Korea pick their shoes so they can be like everyone else; desperately trying to keep the standards without sticking out of the mold. I can't say that I don't do the same.

     Then, my eye catches a familiar design. I see some shoes that remind me of what my grandma used to wear. The elderly woman, probably a grandmother herself, sits on the subway seat facing me and wears black shoes that are a mix between sneakers and generic orthopedics. They have laces, but also a Velcro strap at the top. She probably doesn't want to have to bend down to bother with the laces, hence the fastening ease. Looking up, I can see her head on her chest, softly snoring. A few buzzes from her lap cause her to slowly wake and I see using her smart phone encased in a bedazzled black and silver folding wallet with a shiny strap. She brings it very close to her face, and her eyes squint as she taps slowly on the screen, each touchscreen button accompanied with a loud "clack," sound effect. She then pulls out a small plastic bag of rice cakes from her purse and begins to snack on them.

     Many elderly women over age fifty wear such shoes and exhibit similar behaviors. When those types of shoes come onto the scene, I know right away who wears them and probably how old they are. However, today, I think about this woman and her phase of life as associated with her shoes. One day, I will be her age (Lord willing) and will want extra support for my feet. Will I be trading in my laces for Velcro straps because my back will be too pained to keep bending down? Will I be pulling out traditional rice cakes from my bag and snacking on them as I ride the subway? Will there even be subway trains when I'm that old, or will we have teleportation by then? Well, that question can wait for another time.

     In my pondering, the old grandmother alights from her seat and gets off at the last stop. There now sits a middle aged man with black loafers, ankles stacked and arms crossed. I don't bother to look at his face. In a few stops, I will also have to get up and carry on with my own commute. I have to keep on in my own shoes for today and worry about the shoes of tomorrow for when it's actually time to wear them.