Dear Lady by the Sea,
First off, I thoroughly enjoyed your letter. Your vocabulary was quite extensive, my friend. I actually had to look up ‘corybantic’. I love learning new words, and I’m sure you do as well, hence, the use of ‘corybantic.’ Now, I have a few points I want to touch on from your letter. This is simply reflection and hopefully some direction as you go forward. I wish we could have this discussion over a hot cup of coffee or tea, but until we are in the same country again, we will have to settle for written dialogue.
Your words of self-hatred at first glance are seen as humble, but a closer look would almost deem them ungodly. I know only too well what it is like to adopt failure as part of my personality. It is not right, my friend. We must not do that. I know that you are a Believer, emphasized with a capital “B” to indicate belief in the one and only truth of God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I do not mean to preach or spit doctrine at you, but your words remind me so much of how I felt about my own life just recently.
When we focus only on our flaws and hatred for them, we forget our purpose. We think only about what our ideal standards are and the spiral of self-loathing continues deeper and deeper into the pits of Hell, for that is where such attitudes lead us. Instead, we must heal. This is not an easy task. I am not a fan of hospitals, nor do I like people touching or probing me in places that make me feel uncomfortable. I especially do not like medication. I could not even swallow pills without hiding them in yogurt or peanut-butter until after I was sixteen years old. When it comes to spiritual matters, my innermost being with all my secret, dirty sinful thoughts, I really do not want any prying eyes. However, those are the exact places that need the cleaning.
Have you read C.S. Lewis’ Narnia series, Lady by the Sea? If you have not, I highly recommend it. There is a part in the fifth book, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, in which a boy, who has turned into a dragon, must be changed back into a human. The only way to do this is to peel away the dragon scales and skin to get through to the pinky flesh. He tries to do it on his own with his clunky dragon claws, but he can only get flakes and the smallest skims off of himself. Aslan, the great lion with his massive scythe-like claws, has to plunge deep and pull off hunks skin to reveal the frail and tender being of the human boy.
The hatred and self-loathing is like that dragon hide. We cannot just stop being overly critical on our own, we have to let someone help. That someone, being so obviously symbolic, needs no explanation. That person is deserving of all our attention. When we use our gifts and abilities to further Him, our perspectives change. We gain a new purpose other than fulfilling the want of sounding like an admired writer or comparing writing levels or anything that uses humanly standards. Sure, grammar and style are important, but those can be learned and practiced by anyone. Acacia Faye and I have devoted years to our craft through many classes, editing sessions, and papers drenched in inky corrections. It has been painful to keep writing and writing, and having the people you admire continuously point out your flaws again and again. I suppose Acacia Faye and I did not need any internal stimulus for hating our own writing; we got enough of it from our professors!
But, that aside, you have to keep practicing to get better at anything. As you said, we are still starting out and we’re still young. There is so much more for all of us to learn. I know you have insecurities, but they must be put aside so as not to hinder your true purpose; going “further up and further in” as Aslan says. If that means wearing those platform heels, then please be careful and do not get hurt, maybe grab a spotter. Also, please don’t hate me, but I write and highlight in my books. And, if I do write a book, I am probably going to sign it in the front cover because I think it makes the book more personal. But, if you would like to leave notes, that is totally okay. We can get some super cute post-its for you.
Anyways, please keep letting Him pull away your dragon hide. I will be praying for you, and praying that I allow Him to continue doing the same to me. I am in great need of Him in my life, as we all are. No matter how you feel about your writing, just keep doing it and remember that it is not so much your opinion of your work that matters or the external trimmings, it’s all about your purpose and your message in your writing. My challenge for you is to stay true to the Truth, my friend. It is our challenge and cross to bear, but it’s incomparable to the one Christ bore for us. I’m thankful we’re following that same Savior together. Take comfort in Him, dear Lady by the Sea, and let Him calm any storms within you.
Affectionately,
Naomi Lea
