Poem ~ Unfinished Whatever's ~ NL ~ 14

Unfinished Whatever's By: Naomi Lea

Whatever is- When is it due?
I’ve got room on my plate.
 My schedule is open.
I’ll find a date.

Whatever is- You need it tomorrow?
I’ll squeeze it in,
I can move things around
It’s no problem, again.

Whatever is- Oh, that looks cool!
I’ll just watch for a minute.
Three hours fly by
 Like time is infinite.

Whatever is- Wait, hold on a second.
Why can’t I focus?
All’s moving so fast
Like I’ve no central locus.
My mind can’t affix
  On anything true,
Or noble or pure,
 For that matter, too.

Whatever is- No, put it down.
Whatever is- Just stand your ground!
Whatever is true.
See, that wasn’t so hard.
What’s something true?

Whatever is- Stop.
Do not deflect
The will of the Spirit
To search and inspect
 Your heart and your mind
 For you know it’ll find
Things that are not pure
Or lovely or kind.

Whatever is true, noble, right,
 Pure, lovely, admirable,
Excellent, and praiseworthy.
This is the fight.
All I bring to the table
 Is my ship un-seaworthy;
My armor all rusted,
 My sword disused,
And my helm unadjusted.
 How can I win
With no special power?
I’ve no offensive attacks
 Or defensive towers.

Whatever is- Wait!
What is the source?
Yes, the great book.
That’s it of course!
There is a way through
That’s not on my own
But led by them
Who’ve carved and mown
Paths I can follow
Through the words of Him
Who inspired them all
To heed the call
To follow to the end.

And now, finally- It’s time to end these unfinished whatever’s
And move along to better endeavors
To put down myself and lay at His feet
And learn what is good
From the one I will meet
Again, in the end.

prompted blog post ~ What I Was Made For ~ LbtS ~ 12

       What I Was Made For ______.

by LadybytheSea

        Suicide is a difficult subject for me. I rarely talk about it in person (I struggle to even say the word) and defiantly don't talk about my own struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings to others. I do talk to God and Jesus about it a lot during my prayer times. I talk about myself and I pray for others who struggle too. It wasn't until recently that I've admitted my struggle to some of my friends. 

    Hard Times

     The first chapter to my suicide journey started with too many big emotionally complex and heavy events all happening in a short amount of time. I felt too much. Too much anger. Too much shock. Too much loss. So much I sometimes stopped feeling anything at all. The emotions sat in my chest like a small black whole slowly collapsing my heart, my soul, my mind. Living, breathing, thinking, it became unbearable. Sleep was a blessing. Reading book after book was an escape; my addiction. Being alone was preferable. As days passed during my later years of high school, Death started sounding like a sweet song. It called to me like a siren. I thought about it. I thought about my death everyday. Every hour. I was obsessed. Throughout my days I saw so many ways I could parish, but the night I got close to trying, I couldn't. I thought too much about my family and friends and how they would have to deal with me being a memory. I wasn't ready to be a memory people cried over. I wasn't ready to give people their own black hole in their chest. 
    I couldn't- wouldn't - give them grief. 

  Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive, Ah, Ah, Ahhhhhhh

      It wasn't easy dealing with my emotions and mind. It still hurt to live. Death's song still sounded sweet, but I stuffed my ears with cotton and told my morbid thoughts to quote, "In Jesus Christ's holy name f*ck off." (Don't know if that was the best language to use, but it sure was what I wanted to say, and what I did say. I've apologized to Jesus for it too.) I became stubborn. I cried. I mourned. I raged. I wore black and dark clothes almost everyday, and I prayed to My Heavenly Father that he'd let me go home to him soon. I stayed. I stayed and read the Bible. I listened to preachers, friends, family talk about Jesus and I talked to Jesus too. I gave him everything. Poured all of my pain into my prayers and prayed for the others struggling with being alive too. I asked him a thousand questions and I asked him for help. I prayed and I thought about death and I told these suicidal thoughts to fuck off over and over and over. I stubbornly went to high school and while I stayed a lone wolf, I tried to be kind. I prayed for the kids I walked passed in the hallways hoping God would heal their inner pain too. 

I asked God what I was made for. What I could live for. 



A Number of Reasons Why
   It has taken me seven years, yes seven, years to get to where I am and to learn these lessions. Seven long years of heartbreak, and laughter. Of letting go of self preservation but I have made it here and I am going to continure staying. these are the reasons my I stayed. 

I stay to love others, even when I don't trust them

I stay to receive love, even when I couldn't believe I was lovable

I stay to be alive, even when I think I shouldn't

I stay to keep moving forward, instead of staying still

I stay to love, to learn, to shine like the full moon on a cloudless night

I stay to make new memories with my friends, my family, strangers, classmates, co- workers

I stay to live abundantly in spite of my struggles.

I stay to work for my future

I stay to fail and to try again
 

I stay to be human, not perfect

I stay to forgive

I stay to be brave

I stay to be vulnerable

I stay to see myself grow up



 Keep Moving Forward

Disney's Meet The Robersons

  

    It's my favorite quote and it's my  motto. Keep moving forward. I'm working on moving forward, and getting help. I want to reach out to the people in my life, to connect, and to let myself live; to be sucessful and even to fail. I want to see what I'm capable of acomplishing in this bittersweet world. 
One of the ways God, and my loved ones, have shown me these last seven years on how I can keep moving forward is my seeing how I was made for loving others, and for reciving love.

Help! I Need Somebody 
 
      Getting help for myself has been a lesson on letting go of some self-reliance and fear. It is in the letting go and in the asking, "Help me, please." that I have been able to make progress and move forward. It hasn't been easy. I still struggle with my mental health and some days are bad, but now on the bad days, I have learned to reach out to someone I trust, and it has made a positive impact on my life and overall health.
       I love seeing organizations like TWLOHA continue to erase the stigma mental health issuse. Their campagins over the years have helped me so much in my life and I am glad I've been able to follow them through my hard times. I want to see a world where we talk about the vulnerable things and are met with sincer compassion. A world were we are offered respect, hope, love, patiance and trust when we share our stories.
     We are made for love, and for comunity.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or feelings, please reach out to someone you trust. We are made for comunity, and to help one another.
 Always remeber you are not alone, and you are unconditionally loved.
Here are some links one can reach out to for informantion, and help:
The National Suicide Hotline 
Call 1-800-273-8255

chat is available too

Both are available 24 hours everyday

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Poetry ~ Burdens ~ LbtS ~ 2

"Burdens"

 By: Lady By The Sea

I was walkin’ along a never-ending road
carrying my heavy burdens
I’d picked up in towns past.
I don’t know why I carry it around.

I guess it’s my pride
or it’s a sense of control;
I’m not really sure.
All I know is I can’t let it go.

I stop along the way
and take out the contents.
They bring back the pain
of broken promises and dreams;
the hardships I had endured with a bitter heart.
The tears start flowing.

I don’t know why I carry it around.
I guess it’s my pride
or it’s a sense of control.
I’m not really sure.
All I know is I can’t let it go.

“Give me your burdens, Beloved.”
That’s what the Savior says to me again.
How can I give him my dark afflictions?
I tell him, "No," once again
and take up my heavy burdens
and keep walking down the never-ending road.

I know why I carry it around.
It’s my pride
and it’s a sense of control.
And, I’m sure
I don’t want to let it go.

In the next town, I find trouble;
or rather, trouble found me.
It’s the same old story
and it ends with me running away
even more brokenhearted.
I add another burden.

I know why I carry it around.
It’s my pride
and it’s a sense of control.
And, I’m sure
I don’t want to let it go.

In the Valley,
the never ending road splits.
Do I take the narrow path or stay to the wide?
For the first time, I look at Jesus,
my constant companion.
He’s never left me, not for one moment.
I know why I won’t ask him which road to take.

It’s my pride
and it’s a sense of control.
And, I’m not sure
if I should let it go.

I’m lost on the never ending road.
I took the wide
and it just led me astray.
I look to Jesus:
the Savior, my constant companion,
and I’m ashamed.
Why didn’t I ask Him which way to go?

It’s my pride
and it’s a sense of control.
And, I’m sure
I want to let it go.

At a crossroad
I break down
“I’m tired of being lost, Jesus!” I cry.
“Take my burdens please, Lord, I’m so tired,”
I tell Him as I lay them at his feet.
He keels down
and wordlessly takes me into his arms.
I tell him,

“It’s been my pride,
and a sense of control
that’s kept me from you.
Please Jesus, I’m sure,
I want to let it go!”

“I know, Beloved,” he tells me.
“I made you and I know you
and all I want is for you to know
how much I love you. And, that I have forgiven you.
And, for you to trust me.”

“I give you my pride," I tell him,
"And my sense of control.
I’m letting it all go,
and I’m gonna follow You now, Lord,
on this never ending road,” I say.